Breaking Free
by Septimus Butters
Summary: Peach has once again been captured by dastardly lizard Bowser. When an unlikely hero comes to her rescue, she is lead on a journey of passion, but will everyone get what they've been looking for?


Wario squeezed through the window with the grace of a mounting whale and plummeted to the ground. He struggled to see over his bulging solar plexus as he rolled through the long corridor, grunting and quacking at great volume. His mission: To rescue the hussy-harlot of the Mushroom Kingdom, Princess Peach and to make her his bride.

A troop of hench, muscular Goombas patrolled the portcullis at the dungeons entrance, but Wario took them out with one hefty swing of his impressive spare tyre and then, before his eyes, saw the fly gal of his dreams.

Princess Peach was sitting in a padded cell, with nothing but a small bread roll to eat and nothing but her own festering excrement, in a pile in the corner, for company. Thankfully, her captor had provided her with a little abacus for entertainment, but even this couldn't curb Peach's misery at being held prisoner (again) to a commodious, bad-tempered, tempest of a lizard. To add to her dismay, the Goombas were foul-mannered and certainly did not know how to treat a lady.

"Oh, Mario, you whelk. Where are you?" Peach uttered, her eyes as shiny as quails' eggs. Suddenly, there was a great ruckus outside in the corridor, and hearty gurns from the goombas. A paunchy, globular silhouette appeared outside the cell, and with a jolt of recognition, Peach identified the bowlegged pater as Wario, Mario's tubby delinquent of a sibling.

"A hey peach!" Wario broached suavely, "Looks like it's time to set you free!" With a flick of his bewhiskered right buttock, he crashed down the cell door, his rolls fluctuating to the sound of freedom.

Peach was enthralled. "Where's Mario?"

"He is on a date with… er, Daisy!" Wario fabricated for his own gain.

"Really? I thought Daisy um, swung the other way" Peach Frowned.

"Oh.. er, with, a Toad!" Wario beguiled smoothly.

"How dare he parley with that shabby fungus!" Peach raged, her sour face folding like an origami crane. She tossed her abacus into the pile of dung with a fussy gobble, her voluminous skirts flinging.

"A never mind, Peach! Letsa go back to ma condo." Wario chuntered, skimming his sparse moustache with his grubby digits. Peach stared at the portly fist, imagining it caressing her face.

_Wait, what? I can't think these things about my esteemed dumplings brother!_

It was at this moment Peach realized. She was in love with Wario. She had been ever since she'd met him at a dinner dance in 1931.

As if he could see into Peach's very soul, Wario droned "Don't worry, Peach. I have plenty snacks at me dwelling. We go there now."

Suddenly, Peach found herself being thrust up into the air and sagged over his vast shoulder.

Wario thundered down the corridors, to be picked up by a private cargo vessel and whisked away to a squat, stinky mansion where his slaves were waiting to carry him into his hot-tub

After being deposited in the hot tub, Wario struggled to peel his skin tight, racy violet dungarees from his brobdingnagian caboose as Peach clawed at her underclothes gracefully.

"Let's turn things up a notch, eh?" grunted Wario, reaching over to turn on the Jacuzzi jets. Suddenly there was a loud "PRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" as the water bubbled and sloshed as Wario farted profusely, proud that he was yet to be equalled by the bubble generator in the hot tub. He grinned eagerly at Peach, like a dog waiting for a treat. Peach giggled awkwardly and guffed cutely, creating a harmonious cacophony of expulsions.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.

"A come in; if you dare!" Wario whinnied, and the door opened to reveal a petite Toad in a PVC bondage bib and chains. Wario grizzled and roared, finding the Toad extremely sexy. Peach screamed with horror.

"You lied to me, you hideous bombastic quadruped! You said Mario was with Toad, but Toad is here!"

"Oh dear." Wario higgered, plunging his hands into his rolls for comfort. The S & M toad looked very embarrassed to be a homewrecker.

"So where IS Mario? Or did you just lie to me to make me feel better about coming here with you?"

Wario trouser-coughed awkwardly. "Well, you see, ah, the thing here is, ah peach…. I… I wanted to have sex with you, so I lied."

Peach thought about this for a second. "Oh. Well, I can forgive you. Let's just not tell Mario about this, OK?"

Wario sweated with relief. "Yes, Let's forget about him!" he roared, launching his immense form at Peach.

Suddenly, there was a camp cry of "Wario? Let's-a-go! Get in here now!"

The lovers broke apart. Peach stared accusingly at Wario, who was perspiring like a slick gorgonzola.

"That's it!" cried Peach, leaping up and running towards the source of the innapropriate play.

Wario oozed after her, leaving a trail of sordid butter and woolly hair.

Peach burst in to find Mario lying on a waterbed, his gross props splayed, a lacy thong clinging to his unders.

"Mario!" Peach screeched like a squat, butters eagle, her ham-like fists gyrating like dervishes as she advanced on her corpulent ne'er-do-well.

"Peach! I'm-a so sorry, I meant to rescue you, but Wario here said I couldn't!" Mario trembled like a small gelatine snack.

Peach burst into tears of fury. "All I wanted was a pleasant eve with a kind buck, and you two incestuous gints had to ruin it! It wasn't so much to ask, was it? You butterball chauvinists! I hate you!"

Peach turned to storm out but Wario seized her in one of his stenchy phalanges.

"Look, Peach, we could have a sexy fun foursome, you, me, Toad, and Mario, but you have-a got to keep quiet about it! Luigi could get mighty jealous!" He winked one gruff, crusty optical enticingly, and Peach felt her aorta melting.

"Well…. Okay." Peach whistled, and dove into the water-bed of love.


End file.
